maybe it's me.

i had a realization today that probably should have occurred years ago.  i am way too confrontational about things that don’t really matter.  part of this is the fact that i usually have opinions about everything, and i’m intrinsically motivated to want everyone to know my insight—but what if no one cares, and by sharing i’m actually driving people away instead of bringing enlightenment?  what’s the use in sharing my point of view if all that i am doing is building a wall?

i think it all goes back to something that i’ve had to remember from time to time.  i always loved the “iron sharpens iron” verse, but what about ephesians 4:15?  this is that verse in the Bible that i always try to throw out, because even though it talks about honesty, it talks about doing it in a loving way—and that’s hard for me.  i wish it wasn’t, because it is so important.  am i really listening to others if i’m attacking them with my viewpoints every three seconds?  am i really using my honesty to edify someone when i argue every stupid point?

the simple answer is no.  and thanks to sarah and britt, i have learned this lesson recently.  it’s not that i need to change who i am, it’s that i need to learn to edit and be edifying instead of always argumentative and confrontational.

so don’t worry, i’ll still tell you if your butt looks awful in those jeans.  but i want to work on edifying others instead of tearing them down.  iron sharpening iron sort of thing.  so maybe what i thought was others not listening was others being put off by my confrontational style.  maybe it was me that had the problem all along.

the darkness and the light

i feel like winter is always too long.  after the first pretty snow, i’m ready to be done with it.  the sun doesn’t shine enough, and the days don’t last long enough.

when i was in high school i used to think that i really liked the dark at nighttime.  as i’ve continued to get older i’ve come to like the light more.  darkness is for hiding and secrets, coldness, and lies.  basically to me darkness is bondage more than anything.  i think that’s why the short, cold winter days have gotten so difficult for me.  i prefer the joy of long, warm days, so that when nighttime comes i feel that i have gotten my full share of sunlight and life.  i can be outside without being miserable and just wishing to be warm again.  nature is more alive.  granted, i don’t think i would want to live in those places where the sun shines 24/7, because that would be exhausting too.

i know this is about more than the cycles of the sun, and of daytime versus nighttime.  I’ve always been a sensitive person, and i don’t mean that i have a tendency to cry (although i do—little known fact to those who don’t know me well).  what i more mean is that i can sense things about places and people around me.  the older i get, the even more aware i become of things.  light and dark are one of those pairs that i have grown especially sensitive toward, and i know that there is something spiritual about this.
we were intended for freedom and light.  i love honesty and openness because it brings things into the light and tears us out of the bondage of darkness.  i would rather not say anything than have to lie.  and that’s why i love springtime and summer.  i think it brings new life, new hope, and new possibilities.

until then, i’m going to do what i can to bring my own light and warmth.  i’ll stay close to those i love, and not let the burden of darkness overcome me like it has in the past.  tanning once a week won’t hurt either. =-).

here i am.

Some of you may know that I spent a week giving up two of my biggest vices/time wasters—tv shows/movies and online games.  It’s amazing how much time it gave back to me—almost too much time.  So i had a lot of opportunity to think, read, be with friends, relax, go to bed early, and just be in the moment.

One of the things I decided to do was to blog, so here i am.  this post isn’t going to be anything earth shattering, just letting anyone who cares know why i’m here.  i don’t know what i’ll end up posting or sharing, but hopefully it will be a journey of me opening my mind back up in a way that i haven’t in a while, that i haven’t since everything began to get so bogged down in life.
we’ll see what this turns into.