why.

I’ve been too unforgiving.  And the worst with those closest to me.  Probably because like in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants… “Maybe, sometimes, it's easier to be mad at the people you trust because you know they'll always love you, no matter what.”  Not saying that makes it okay, but maybe that’s why.   I’m ALWAYS looking to answer the “why” and “how” questions in life…who knows.

I think right now WHY question I have is why can’t I stop saying awful crap without thinking about the implications to those around me.  I thought I had moved past this a little more than I had since high school.  One day in class we were talking about the power of words and a teacher asked the class to share negative things they remember people said about them in an attempt to show the impact of the negative things we say.  One girl raised her hand and said she remembers when I told her once that she looked like a dog (I have no recollection of calling her that but I completely believe her that I did).  Now WHY in the world would I feel the need to say that to someone?

Fast forward to present day, and I had another similar experience recently.  An acquaintance from college and I were chatting about how life changes and through our conversations he mentioned that I had once said to a mutual friend of ours that he was a person that “wasn’t worth being friends with.”  Now who says something like that other than someone who is obviously insecure with their own level of “friendship desirability.” 

I’m grateful for chances for reconciliation, but even better would be to stop spouting this crap that I say because, now I realize, I am insecure in relation to other people oftentimes. I have another friend who I saw last night who is one of the most beautiful girls I know. She could be a jerk, she could be uppity, and she’s beautiful enough that I’m sure she would still have friends.  But she’s actually one of the most non-judgmental people that I know, and that’s why I believe people love her.  She has the most diverse group of friends of anyone I’ve seen, and she looks for the good in other people.  As I’ve gotten a bit older I’ve really started to realize how wonderful of a quality that really is. 

I’m sure a lot of the things I do are some weird self-protection mechanism or some effort to make myself feel better by tearing others down.  To be honest, I’m annoyed with myself to find that I’m still using such immature ways of dealing with my issues.  But more than that I’m grateful for the reminders of good friends to live better and the chance to grow, because no 24-year-old I know has all of this figured out. 

So thanks to those in my life who are fearless enough to call me out, to give me the chance to live better, and learn from my mistakes.  And thanks to my friends and loved ones who show me a better example of how to live.  And finally, thanks to those who have loved me even when I haven’t felt the most lovable.