change.

My blog name has changed from "my candid introspection" (a little bit too emo for my liking) to live courageously.  And judging by the last post in my blog, so much has changed since I last posted.  And I've been thinking lately about all of those changes.

Life is weird.  Looking back on college, it was a haze.  Life was too comfortable--too easy and predictable.  And my mind shut down--the opposite of what is supposed to happen in college.  I did what any good student who went through Leadership classes should do--examined myself, made my plans, and decided on what I wanted to do with my career.  I was all set to be a Marriage and Family Therapist, go to Akron U, get through my program, and then I would have purpose. 

And then something good and confusing happened.  I realized I didn't want to be a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I didn't want to go to Akron U.  I got married, got into our little apartment, and got working at a hospital as a secretary.  God has abundantly blessed us and taken care of us through that whole process and through the last year.  We have been able to pay off multiple college loans (more to go!--but still) and have had more than enough money to take care of ourselves and the things that we need.  I decided to go to Malone to get a Master's in Organizational Leadership (much like Psychology for my undergraduate degree--a very vague but very interesting degree) starting the end of this August. 

My current job has been a blessing, but a definite learning experience.  And although I don't consider myself sheltered, this was my first experience in a non-Christian centered environment and it has been different.  I'm used to people expecting big and great things from me--and some of the people I work with now just want me to do my job, be reliable, and stay in my place.  I'm used to people who expect greatness regardless of age--and for the first time I feel different than those around me, just because of age. 

I am so happy to be married to Josh--but it required sacrifices from both of us.  We have to balance two families and many friends in different states.  We have to work full time jobs that are stepping stones instead of passions because we have responsibilities.  Making choices for the future is bigger and scarier and more permanent than if we were on our own.  "Failing" seems scarier because it affects someone else. 

Life is different.  Change happens.  Sacrifices are a necessity.  And then two weeks ago I was the Dean of Intermediate Camp.  I came to camp this year expecting that God would change my heart and my life--and He did.  I don't know where the theme "courageous" came from other than to say God brought it about--just like I believe he brought about everything about the week of camp.

From my experiences with camp in the past and from how I have watched my father prepare his lessons for weeks of camp, I have learned that you can create your plans, but if you're open to how God will change them, He will--and you will see His hand at work (prov. 16:9).  Only once during the week did I forget that--and a good friend reminded me that I had been saying all week that when our plans change, God will move.  I have never had such peace about a week of camp--before, during, and after it.  I have never had such an amazing group of kids. 

And I once again realized how much of my life I have lived in fear.  I remember once when I was in high school I wrote a full page of things that I was afraid of, and I gave it to someone and said I don't care if you never read this, throw it away, burn it, but I want it gone and don't want to know what happened to it.  I've struggled with social anxiety issues and for what? 

So I guess I don't know what this means other than I don't want to live afraid.  I'm so proud of my girls from camp and the things that we all discovered about ourselves together.  I pray they are lessons that are not quickly forgotten.  I am so grateful for the amazing staff who walked alongside me at camp, and truly challenged themselves as well.  This is a lesson that I believe is going to stay with me the rest of my life (I considered getting the word "courage" tattooed on my wrist - I may go with buying a leather bracelet instead--the tattoo option isn't entirely off the table--Mom/Dad, if you're reading this, don't freak out, it's okay). 

I guess I'll say in close that I appreciate adversity/tension in life because it wakes me up, makes me think, and helps me to grow.  And I need that strength to enable me to live courageously when I would otherwise choose to hide.