change.

My blog name has changed from "my candid introspection" (a little bit too emo for my liking) to live courageously.  And judging by the last post in my blog, so much has changed since I last posted.  And I've been thinking lately about all of those changes.

Life is weird.  Looking back on college, it was a haze.  Life was too comfortable--too easy and predictable.  And my mind shut down--the opposite of what is supposed to happen in college.  I did what any good student who went through Leadership classes should do--examined myself, made my plans, and decided on what I wanted to do with my career.  I was all set to be a Marriage and Family Therapist, go to Akron U, get through my program, and then I would have purpose. 

And then something good and confusing happened.  I realized I didn't want to be a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I didn't want to go to Akron U.  I got married, got into our little apartment, and got working at a hospital as a secretary.  God has abundantly blessed us and taken care of us through that whole process and through the last year.  We have been able to pay off multiple college loans (more to go!--but still) and have had more than enough money to take care of ourselves and the things that we need.  I decided to go to Malone to get a Master's in Organizational Leadership (much like Psychology for my undergraduate degree--a very vague but very interesting degree) starting the end of this August. 

My current job has been a blessing, but a definite learning experience.  And although I don't consider myself sheltered, this was my first experience in a non-Christian centered environment and it has been different.  I'm used to people expecting big and great things from me--and some of the people I work with now just want me to do my job, be reliable, and stay in my place.  I'm used to people who expect greatness regardless of age--and for the first time I feel different than those around me, just because of age. 

I am so happy to be married to Josh--but it required sacrifices from both of us.  We have to balance two families and many friends in different states.  We have to work full time jobs that are stepping stones instead of passions because we have responsibilities.  Making choices for the future is bigger and scarier and more permanent than if we were on our own.  "Failing" seems scarier because it affects someone else. 

Life is different.  Change happens.  Sacrifices are a necessity.  And then two weeks ago I was the Dean of Intermediate Camp.  I came to camp this year expecting that God would change my heart and my life--and He did.  I don't know where the theme "courageous" came from other than to say God brought it about--just like I believe he brought about everything about the week of camp.

From my experiences with camp in the past and from how I have watched my father prepare his lessons for weeks of camp, I have learned that you can create your plans, but if you're open to how God will change them, He will--and you will see His hand at work (prov. 16:9).  Only once during the week did I forget that--and a good friend reminded me that I had been saying all week that when our plans change, God will move.  I have never had such peace about a week of camp--before, during, and after it.  I have never had such an amazing group of kids. 

And I once again realized how much of my life I have lived in fear.  I remember once when I was in high school I wrote a full page of things that I was afraid of, and I gave it to someone and said I don't care if you never read this, throw it away, burn it, but I want it gone and don't want to know what happened to it.  I've struggled with social anxiety issues and for what? 

So I guess I don't know what this means other than I don't want to live afraid.  I'm so proud of my girls from camp and the things that we all discovered about ourselves together.  I pray they are lessons that are not quickly forgotten.  I am so grateful for the amazing staff who walked alongside me at camp, and truly challenged themselves as well.  This is a lesson that I believe is going to stay with me the rest of my life (I considered getting the word "courage" tattooed on my wrist - I may go with buying a leather bracelet instead--the tattoo option isn't entirely off the table--Mom/Dad, if you're reading this, don't freak out, it's okay). 

I guess I'll say in close that I appreciate adversity/tension in life because it wakes me up, makes me think, and helps me to grow.  And I need that strength to enable me to live courageously when I would otherwise choose to hide.

ebenezer

Lately I've had a lot of things that have made me feel...sadly reminiscent?  A talk with an old friend, trying to figure out what life after college is going to entail, feeling like I am so far from the things that I loved just a few years ago.  I have so much to look forward to that I am so ready for, and so excited about--getting married (eek!!), the possibility of graduate school which will put me one step closer to my career goals, the opportunity to move on from undergraduate school, a whole new life and all new doors opening up before me.

Maybe it's because the myriad of decisions I could make is terrifying and I can't wait to have some things figured out.  Maybe it's because four years is a whole lot longer than it seems.  Maybe it's because things may seem bad when you're in the midst of them but when you look back the fond memories are what surface more than anything.  And right now, although I am very happy with my life, I see how far away many of those fond memories are. 

I had a conversation with my best friend last night.  We're both graduating this year.  She said to me, "Jess, why would anyone ever think that they could let us grow up??!"   I am ready for it, but I am terrified about it.  This is such a terrifying and exciting stage of life.  I cannot dwell on the past.  I just hope I can hold tight to some of the threads that kept me strong and moving through some of the tough times of the past.  I hope that the memories I hold tight to are not just rose-colored reminiscences, but Ebenezer stones. 

And that's how I like to look at my life.  All of the things in the past are building stones, monument stones, that help me remember where I have been and show me where I want to go.  I pray these fond memories will never turn grey, because even though they make me sad at how much has changed, they remind me of how great life truly is.  And as these changes continue in the years to come, I pray that more stones will be added to the pile, and that, in the end, I will be able to look back upon my life with a fondness in my heart and a love for all of those who have shared it with me. 

I'm ready for what's to come.

maybe it's me.

i had a realization today that probably should have occurred years ago.  i am way too confrontational about things that don’t really matter.  part of this is the fact that i usually have opinions about everything, and i’m intrinsically motivated to want everyone to know my insight—but what if no one cares, and by sharing i’m actually driving people away instead of bringing enlightenment?  what’s the use in sharing my point of view if all that i am doing is building a wall?

i think it all goes back to something that i’ve had to remember from time to time.  i always loved the “iron sharpens iron” verse, but what about ephesians 4:15?  this is that verse in the Bible that i always try to throw out, because even though it talks about honesty, it talks about doing it in a loving way—and that’s hard for me.  i wish it wasn’t, because it is so important.  am i really listening to others if i’m attacking them with my viewpoints every three seconds?  am i really using my honesty to edify someone when i argue every stupid point?

the simple answer is no.  and thanks to sarah and britt, i have learned this lesson recently.  it’s not that i need to change who i am, it’s that i need to learn to edit and be edifying instead of always argumentative and confrontational.

so don’t worry, i’ll still tell you if your butt looks awful in those jeans.  but i want to work on edifying others instead of tearing them down.  iron sharpening iron sort of thing.  so maybe what i thought was others not listening was others being put off by my confrontational style.  maybe it was me that had the problem all along.

the darkness and the light

i feel like winter is always too long.  after the first pretty snow, i’m ready to be done with it.  the sun doesn’t shine enough, and the days don’t last long enough.

when i was in high school i used to think that i really liked the dark at nighttime.  as i’ve continued to get older i’ve come to like the light more.  darkness is for hiding and secrets, coldness, and lies.  basically to me darkness is bondage more than anything.  i think that’s why the short, cold winter days have gotten so difficult for me.  i prefer the joy of long, warm days, so that when nighttime comes i feel that i have gotten my full share of sunlight and life.  i can be outside without being miserable and just wishing to be warm again.  nature is more alive.  granted, i don’t think i would want to live in those places where the sun shines 24/7, because that would be exhausting too.

i know this is about more than the cycles of the sun, and of daytime versus nighttime.  I’ve always been a sensitive person, and i don’t mean that i have a tendency to cry (although i do—little known fact to those who don’t know me well).  what i more mean is that i can sense things about places and people around me.  the older i get, the even more aware i become of things.  light and dark are one of those pairs that i have grown especially sensitive toward, and i know that there is something spiritual about this.
we were intended for freedom and light.  i love honesty and openness because it brings things into the light and tears us out of the bondage of darkness.  i would rather not say anything than have to lie.  and that’s why i love springtime and summer.  i think it brings new life, new hope, and new possibilities.

until then, i’m going to do what i can to bring my own light and warmth.  i’ll stay close to those i love, and not let the burden of darkness overcome me like it has in the past.  tanning once a week won’t hurt either. =-).

here i am.

Some of you may know that I spent a week giving up two of my biggest vices/time wasters—tv shows/movies and online games.  It’s amazing how much time it gave back to me—almost too much time.  So i had a lot of opportunity to think, read, be with friends, relax, go to bed early, and just be in the moment.

One of the things I decided to do was to blog, so here i am.  this post isn’t going to be anything earth shattering, just letting anyone who cares know why i’m here.  i don’t know what i’ll end up posting or sharing, but hopefully it will be a journey of me opening my mind back up in a way that i haven’t in a while, that i haven’t since everything began to get so bogged down in life.
we’ll see what this turns into.