why.

I’ve been too unforgiving.  And the worst with those closest to me.  Probably because like in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants… “Maybe, sometimes, it's easier to be mad at the people you trust because you know they'll always love you, no matter what.”  Not saying that makes it okay, but maybe that’s why.   I’m ALWAYS looking to answer the “why” and “how” questions in life…who knows.

I think right now WHY question I have is why can’t I stop saying awful crap without thinking about the implications to those around me.  I thought I had moved past this a little more than I had since high school.  One day in class we were talking about the power of words and a teacher asked the class to share negative things they remember people said about them in an attempt to show the impact of the negative things we say.  One girl raised her hand and said she remembers when I told her once that she looked like a dog (I have no recollection of calling her that but I completely believe her that I did).  Now WHY in the world would I feel the need to say that to someone?

Fast forward to present day, and I had another similar experience recently.  An acquaintance from college and I were chatting about how life changes and through our conversations he mentioned that I had once said to a mutual friend of ours that he was a person that “wasn’t worth being friends with.”  Now who says something like that other than someone who is obviously insecure with their own level of “friendship desirability.” 

I’m grateful for chances for reconciliation, but even better would be to stop spouting this crap that I say because, now I realize, I am insecure in relation to other people oftentimes. I have another friend who I saw last night who is one of the most beautiful girls I know. She could be a jerk, she could be uppity, and she’s beautiful enough that I’m sure she would still have friends.  But she’s actually one of the most non-judgmental people that I know, and that’s why I believe people love her.  She has the most diverse group of friends of anyone I’ve seen, and she looks for the good in other people.  As I’ve gotten a bit older I’ve really started to realize how wonderful of a quality that really is. 

I’m sure a lot of the things I do are some weird self-protection mechanism or some effort to make myself feel better by tearing others down.  To be honest, I’m annoyed with myself to find that I’m still using such immature ways of dealing with my issues.  But more than that I’m grateful for the reminders of good friends to live better and the chance to grow, because no 24-year-old I know has all of this figured out. 

So thanks to those in my life who are fearless enough to call me out, to give me the chance to live better, and learn from my mistakes.  And thanks to my friends and loved ones who show me a better example of how to live.  And finally, thanks to those who have loved me even when I haven’t felt the most lovable. 

steps.

I've always had this way of marking my life by my summers.  It started happening that way because I loved camp so much, and it's where I wanted to be all summer.  Camp turned into You Lead and missions trips.  Those combined with trips to see the friends I'd made all those weeks had me gone all summer long and left me with lots of memories wrapped up in my heart.

By the time I hit college, I didn't have the free weeks to do camp like I once did.  And by the time I graduated, I really didn't have the free weeks anymore.  So what I had marked my life by felt like it was slowly slipping away. 

Have you ever wished someone would just write a book and tell you all the things they wished they would tell you before a certain life event?  I would just love to have a series of books "Things I Wished Someone Had Told Me Before Graduating High School," and then continuing books on college, getting your first job, getting married, getting your first job you really liked, having a kid, and so on.  If I thought I had any of those figured out I would have written those books long before now--I could probably make enough money on them to have my summers free enough to do all the great things I want to do.

But I've realized that God knows me better than that, and He shows me just enough of the picture so that I can keep moving forward.  And that there wouldn't be so much beauty in His blessings if we didn't have to wonder about what was coming next or how we would get through. 

It's a lot of give and take.  This summer I'm finding God leading me in a different path than I have had my heart set on for the last summers.  But He's tugging me in this new direction that feels so good, and feels like my future.  It feels like the next step, and that something good and something big is coming.

So here's to everyone figuring out that next step - praying that you have the trust in God to show you the next step only at the right time.  And here's to all of us praying that we have the courage to take that step when we're faced with it.   

So it goes.

"So it goes."  This is a quote from Kurt Vonnegut Jr. in his book, Slaughterhouse Five.  And isn't that life sometimes?  Great, exciting, heartwarming things happen.  So it goes.  Awful, gut-wrenching, evil things happen.  So it goes.

I've always been one to try to find the good through the bad.  When I look back on experiences in my life that were a mixture of the two, I see more of the brightness.  Easier said than done, sometimes.  There's been one experience in my life I have yet to allow into my heart what the good for it could have been.  I'm sure if we've lived long enough (and obviously it doesn't take long, seeing that I'm only 23) all of us do. 

Through it all, the one thing I remember, and the one thing that I take solace in, is that I have hope.  I have the reassurance that one day there will only be good.  And while I am here, I treasure in my heart those good moments that I've had. 

To me, that's Christmas. 

change.

My blog name has changed from "my candid introspection" (a little bit too emo for my liking) to live courageously.  And judging by the last post in my blog, so much has changed since I last posted.  And I've been thinking lately about all of those changes.

Life is weird.  Looking back on college, it was a haze.  Life was too comfortable--too easy and predictable.  And my mind shut down--the opposite of what is supposed to happen in college.  I did what any good student who went through Leadership classes should do--examined myself, made my plans, and decided on what I wanted to do with my career.  I was all set to be a Marriage and Family Therapist, go to Akron U, get through my program, and then I would have purpose. 

And then something good and confusing happened.  I realized I didn't want to be a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I didn't want to go to Akron U.  I got married, got into our little apartment, and got working at a hospital as a secretary.  God has abundantly blessed us and taken care of us through that whole process and through the last year.  We have been able to pay off multiple college loans (more to go!--but still) and have had more than enough money to take care of ourselves and the things that we need.  I decided to go to Malone to get a Master's in Organizational Leadership (much like Psychology for my undergraduate degree--a very vague but very interesting degree) starting the end of this August. 

My current job has been a blessing, but a definite learning experience.  And although I don't consider myself sheltered, this was my first experience in a non-Christian centered environment and it has been different.  I'm used to people expecting big and great things from me--and some of the people I work with now just want me to do my job, be reliable, and stay in my place.  I'm used to people who expect greatness regardless of age--and for the first time I feel different than those around me, just because of age. 

I am so happy to be married to Josh--but it required sacrifices from both of us.  We have to balance two families and many friends in different states.  We have to work full time jobs that are stepping stones instead of passions because we have responsibilities.  Making choices for the future is bigger and scarier and more permanent than if we were on our own.  "Failing" seems scarier because it affects someone else. 

Life is different.  Change happens.  Sacrifices are a necessity.  And then two weeks ago I was the Dean of Intermediate Camp.  I came to camp this year expecting that God would change my heart and my life--and He did.  I don't know where the theme "courageous" came from other than to say God brought it about--just like I believe he brought about everything about the week of camp.

From my experiences with camp in the past and from how I have watched my father prepare his lessons for weeks of camp, I have learned that you can create your plans, but if you're open to how God will change them, He will--and you will see His hand at work (prov. 16:9).  Only once during the week did I forget that--and a good friend reminded me that I had been saying all week that when our plans change, God will move.  I have never had such peace about a week of camp--before, during, and after it.  I have never had such an amazing group of kids. 

And I once again realized how much of my life I have lived in fear.  I remember once when I was in high school I wrote a full page of things that I was afraid of, and I gave it to someone and said I don't care if you never read this, throw it away, burn it, but I want it gone and don't want to know what happened to it.  I've struggled with social anxiety issues and for what? 

So I guess I don't know what this means other than I don't want to live afraid.  I'm so proud of my girls from camp and the things that we all discovered about ourselves together.  I pray they are lessons that are not quickly forgotten.  I am so grateful for the amazing staff who walked alongside me at camp, and truly challenged themselves as well.  This is a lesson that I believe is going to stay with me the rest of my life (I considered getting the word "courage" tattooed on my wrist - I may go with buying a leather bracelet instead--the tattoo option isn't entirely off the table--Mom/Dad, if you're reading this, don't freak out, it's okay). 

I guess I'll say in close that I appreciate adversity/tension in life because it wakes me up, makes me think, and helps me to grow.  And I need that strength to enable me to live courageously when I would otherwise choose to hide.

ebenezer

Lately I've had a lot of things that have made me feel...sadly reminiscent?  A talk with an old friend, trying to figure out what life after college is going to entail, feeling like I am so far from the things that I loved just a few years ago.  I have so much to look forward to that I am so ready for, and so excited about--getting married (eek!!), the possibility of graduate school which will put me one step closer to my career goals, the opportunity to move on from undergraduate school, a whole new life and all new doors opening up before me.

Maybe it's because the myriad of decisions I could make is terrifying and I can't wait to have some things figured out.  Maybe it's because four years is a whole lot longer than it seems.  Maybe it's because things may seem bad when you're in the midst of them but when you look back the fond memories are what surface more than anything.  And right now, although I am very happy with my life, I see how far away many of those fond memories are. 

I had a conversation with my best friend last night.  We're both graduating this year.  She said to me, "Jess, why would anyone ever think that they could let us grow up??!"   I am ready for it, but I am terrified about it.  This is such a terrifying and exciting stage of life.  I cannot dwell on the past.  I just hope I can hold tight to some of the threads that kept me strong and moving through some of the tough times of the past.  I hope that the memories I hold tight to are not just rose-colored reminiscences, but Ebenezer stones. 

And that's how I like to look at my life.  All of the things in the past are building stones, monument stones, that help me remember where I have been and show me where I want to go.  I pray these fond memories will never turn grey, because even though they make me sad at how much has changed, they remind me of how great life truly is.  And as these changes continue in the years to come, I pray that more stones will be added to the pile, and that, in the end, I will be able to look back upon my life with a fondness in my heart and a love for all of those who have shared it with me. 

I'm ready for what's to come.

maybe it's me.

i had a realization today that probably should have occurred years ago.  i am way too confrontational about things that don’t really matter.  part of this is the fact that i usually have opinions about everything, and i’m intrinsically motivated to want everyone to know my insight—but what if no one cares, and by sharing i’m actually driving people away instead of bringing enlightenment?  what’s the use in sharing my point of view if all that i am doing is building a wall?

i think it all goes back to something that i’ve had to remember from time to time.  i always loved the “iron sharpens iron” verse, but what about ephesians 4:15?  this is that verse in the Bible that i always try to throw out, because even though it talks about honesty, it talks about doing it in a loving way—and that’s hard for me.  i wish it wasn’t, because it is so important.  am i really listening to others if i’m attacking them with my viewpoints every three seconds?  am i really using my honesty to edify someone when i argue every stupid point?

the simple answer is no.  and thanks to sarah and britt, i have learned this lesson recently.  it’s not that i need to change who i am, it’s that i need to learn to edit and be edifying instead of always argumentative and confrontational.

so don’t worry, i’ll still tell you if your butt looks awful in those jeans.  but i want to work on edifying others instead of tearing them down.  iron sharpening iron sort of thing.  so maybe what i thought was others not listening was others being put off by my confrontational style.  maybe it was me that had the problem all along.

the darkness and the light

i feel like winter is always too long.  after the first pretty snow, i’m ready to be done with it.  the sun doesn’t shine enough, and the days don’t last long enough.

when i was in high school i used to think that i really liked the dark at nighttime.  as i’ve continued to get older i’ve come to like the light more.  darkness is for hiding and secrets, coldness, and lies.  basically to me darkness is bondage more than anything.  i think that’s why the short, cold winter days have gotten so difficult for me.  i prefer the joy of long, warm days, so that when nighttime comes i feel that i have gotten my full share of sunlight and life.  i can be outside without being miserable and just wishing to be warm again.  nature is more alive.  granted, i don’t think i would want to live in those places where the sun shines 24/7, because that would be exhausting too.

i know this is about more than the cycles of the sun, and of daytime versus nighttime.  I’ve always been a sensitive person, and i don’t mean that i have a tendency to cry (although i do—little known fact to those who don’t know me well).  what i more mean is that i can sense things about places and people around me.  the older i get, the even more aware i become of things.  light and dark are one of those pairs that i have grown especially sensitive toward, and i know that there is something spiritual about this.
we were intended for freedom and light.  i love honesty and openness because it brings things into the light and tears us out of the bondage of darkness.  i would rather not say anything than have to lie.  and that’s why i love springtime and summer.  i think it brings new life, new hope, and new possibilities.

until then, i’m going to do what i can to bring my own light and warmth.  i’ll stay close to those i love, and not let the burden of darkness overcome me like it has in the past.  tanning once a week won’t hurt either. =-).